Hey guys :)
I've been thinking the past couple of days at how much my life has changed this year. Now my life has changed a lot in the last 6 years from family drama, hurt and pain, from getting my grades and finishing uni, moving out ect. But through out all of that my heart and my soul have been fighting over things that I had no control on. Well thats what I thought. I thought that without the answers that haunt me I couldn't move on with my life. Now I know how silly that sounds but for me this answers meant the world to me, I needed to know them, the reasons why things happened, why someone so close to me could hurt me completely and why abandon me when I needed them the most. Now without getting theses answers that ate me up inside I carried around with this hurt and pain that I couldn't move on from. My depression got worse and my anxiety controlled me more than I wanted to admit. I felt like a puppet in my life. Never really being able to do anything but still going forward even a inch at time but on the terms of anxiety's mission not my own. I got to the point in my life where I felt like I failed. I failed my great grandma because I promised I wouldn't let her down and I would live my life to the fullest but how could I do that when I couldn't even leave my home. I failed my nan because I wanted to prove I was ok, that what happened to me didnt effect me, didn't change me yet it did. I failed my boyfriend because even with him being there for me no matter what I closed off my life from him. A wall was put up, At first I blamed it all on her. The person who hurt me more than anyone could ever but I think that was my excuse. I closed my heart from everyone who loved me to protect myself from more hurt. I became someone I didn't want to be because of how life treated me, how people treated me. It made me want to hide from everyone, from the life outside to be protected from hurt and pain. Then something changed. I sat where I am sitting now and thought what the hell am I doing? I made a promise to myself that I would never take drugs, or abuse drink because I was brought up by someone who did both and it ruined their life and unfortunately messed with me and my brothers. I made a promise to myself that I would never turn out like her but here I was sitting at my desk doing fuck all. Hiding from the world that wronged me like she did. She played on her problems and in a way made them worse because she didnt fight back. She let them fester and control her. Now I know mental illness effects people different but for me growing up with a parent who suffered with it and suffered more by finding a way out with either drugs or drink or even the dance with death themself, I knew I had to fight. I couldn't go down the same path she did. At my age she had me five years old and a one year old. She was abandoned a second time by my useless father and she only had my nan to help her out. She suffered because everyone she opened up to and loved used her and treated her like shit over and over again. Instead of learning from that and fighting she got accustomed to drugs. She wouldnt leave the house and would lock herself in her bedroom away from everyone. That was my childhood. It wasn't bad because I had my nan and my brothers to lean on but I couldnt get close to the one parent I had left because she lost the fight. Instead of getting help she lost her self more. That for me was reason enough to kick myself in the ass and fight harder. It got to the point where I was at the same cross roads she was in, but instead of losing myself completely I went down the other path. Now I didn't set out for this post to be about my past or mental illness to be honest I was reflecting on how much I have changed this year. From feeling I was at the lowest part of my life to feeling great about myself and actaully being happy. Not just me putting on a face or acting. I am happy. I am really happy and thats weird. Ya I still have problems but they dont control me anymore, I have a job a great job that I love doing which gets me out of the house and I love spending time with the people I love. The wall has came down that was between me and my boyfriend and I feel like myself again. My advice thought out this whole post is dont give up. No matter what you feel or who tells you to. NEVER GIVE IN. Only you can get through it, only you can help yourself no matter what people say they can be there for you but they cant solve your problems for you. It may seem hard, but never stop fighting because your life is worth it, you are worth the fight and ya it took me four years to get to this point. My fight isnt over but its getting easier to live and thats the point life isnt easy, who ever tells you it is are living in false hope. Life is about building upon what you have and what you can do with it. If all else fails then you know that no matter what you have your family and friends that will support you no matter what, they are patient. Anyway thanks for reading and I do hope this helps it my inspire you or what but its what I felt like saying today. MissDoomie xx Comments are closed.
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